I am definitely not still mentioning your name in conversation, and then catching myself doing it.I am definitely not staring at my phone, wondering if and when you will text me, because that is something that lovelorn teenage girls do, and while I might still be in the final throes of teendom I will not be a slave to cliches.
I am definitely not lying in bed and thinking about that one perfect night when I fell asleep with your head on my sheets and woke up with your bare chest against my back. I am definitely not burying my head in my pillows a month later to see if I can still smell your hair or your musk.
I am definitely not remembering the feel of your fingers when I touch myself. There is no way at all that I am recalling the shivers you gave me, the glorious sense of anticipation that twisted my insides into origami until I thought they were pretty enough for you to see. I am definitely not imagining your face buried between my thighs and of course I am not upset that this never materialised. Because it’s not something I’m giving any consideration to.
I am definitely not sitting in the sun and letting my mind wander to what you’re doing in the nice weather. I definitely don’t wish you were beside me and we were just talking, because sometimes when you spoke I tuned out and just stared at your lips — the perfect Cupid’s bow and the way you pouted when you were thinking — and I am definitely not thinking about your lips.
I am definitely not still mentioning your name in conversation, and then catching myself doing it, making a mistake, like referring to a deceased person in present tense instead of past. I am not hoping you find yourself doing the same thing, saying my name and wishing you weren’t. And when I informed my friends about what happened between us, I definitely did not take your side and defend you when they called you a douche and a dick.
I am definitely not wishing you would call me and let me know you made a mistake and ask me if we can start over.
I am definitely not trying to cast a shadow over my memories of us together so I can tell myself I wasn’t really happy, so it will hurt a bit less when a Passenger song or a chocolate chip briochet or a reference to your alma mater reminds me of you.
I am definitely not still at your beck and call, moulding myself to your every whim without you even realising it, and I am definitely not bitter about this. I don’t hate myself for still wanting to touch your cheek or stroke your knee, and instead I keep my hands wrapped tightly around my chai latte. I am not disappointed that we don’t even hug when we say goodbye, and I absolutely don’t stop driving on the way home and cry at the side of the road over how this is probably the last time I will ever see you. I am also not amused by the stereotypical pathetic fallacy and laughing hysterically over it as the tears continue to fall.
And I am definitely not writing about you
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